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When I was a freshman in college, one of my older fraternity brothers once dumped a giant pail of soup over my head while I was eating dinner. This was during my “pledge” period when I was in the process of joining the fraternity.
Each of the kids in my pledge class experienced similar humiliations at one point or another, something that we all endured until we were officially inducted into the fraternity. The older fraternity brothers loved these sorts of pranks and mischief and I am sure it is still going on to this day.
I had suffered this particular indignity because I had not been present at an event the night before where my pledge brothers were blindfolded and individually led out to the front porch of the fraternity house, told to get on their hands and knees, and had a giant plastic trashcan of cold water dumped on them from a porch three stories above. Unfortunately, after being forced to drink almost a fifth of whisky in the hours of hazing leading up to this event, I had passed out on a floor of a bathroom and had been unable to be moved to the front porch to have water dumped on my head.
This soup was among the most humiliating experiences I had ever had. I was with 30 or so other guys who all thought it was hilarious; many were laughing so hard that they fell out of their chairs. I had been sitting at a table, innocently eating my dinner, when the people at the table all got up at the same time, ostensibly to go get some more food. A few seconds later my older fraternity brother came up behind me and dumped five gallons of soup on me. Needless to say, I was extremely shocked and upset.
Instead of remaining incredibly upset and dwelling on it, I decided that I needed to take action and fight back. The kid who had done this to me was older, bigger than me, and had a lot more friends in the fraternity house than I had. Nevertheless, I knew that I would never respect myself if I did not stick up to him and fight back aggressively. I did not want to be known as the sorry kid who had had soup poured over his head.
I had fun for months pulling all sorts of pranks on the guy who did this to me. Eventually, my pranks got so serious and I started pushing the line so much that the president of the fraternity came to speak to me and told me the pranks had to stop. Not only had I returned the favor by dumping soup on the guy–at least three times–I did other menacing things to torment him as well. He started avoiding me, not the other way around.
There was another guy in my fraternity who once got into a big fight with a couple of other kids in the fraternity house, also over someone pouring liquid all over him. He lost the fight and ended up being humiliated in front of a bunch of people. A fight with punches, screaming, and so forth had ensued. Apparently, moments before this, someone had walked up behind the guy and peed on him. I am not going to comment on the humor or the animalistic nature of my fraternity brothers, but I will tell you that they probably thought this was funnier than the soup that had been poured on my head. What was so different about this episode, though, was the ferocity of the guy’s reaction. He appeared to have been genuinely traumatized and was upset to a high degree by what had happened to him–and understandably so.
After this fight, the young man avoided the fraternity house almost completely. He moved off campus and was rarely seen. He would walk around the block so that he would never have to walk by the house. He did not go to parties there, and he pretty much avoided all of the people from the fraternity house the rest of his time in college.
One time, several of us were standing on the front porch of the fraternity house and we saw the guy crossing the street about a block away. It was clear that the guy was trying not to be seen by any of his fraternity brothers.
“What a loser!” one of my fraternity brothers shouted.
I have heard people use the word “loser” in multiple ways throughout my life. This use of the word really stuck with me, though, because this time the guy was being referred to as someone who had given up trying to fit in with the other kids. In this sense, once could say that many people out there are “losers,” to the extent that they are avoiding situations and people that are painful to them.
The reaction of other kids in the fraternity house to getting in arguments, being humiliated, and so forth was typically to keep pushing forward and doing their thing.
People react in different ways when negative things happen to them. Have you ever known someone who had a really bad experience, wherein something really awful happened to the person at work, in his or her personal life, or elsewhere?
It does not really matter what the situation is–what is most important is how the person reacted. When something bad happens, many people typically react in one of two ways: they either pick themselves up and keep moving forward, or they withdraw and try to avoid similar bad situations in the future. Many people spend their entire lives avoiding certain situations. Other people spend their lives continually pushing through and finding new, better situations. You are probably either one sort of person or the other.
I believe that the world is almost evenly split between moving toward people and moving away from people. Regardless of who you are and what sort of job you are doing, you are either a moving toward person or a moving away from person. Your success in your career and life will ultimately have a lot to do with whether or not you are motivated by moving toward something or are consistently moving away from something.
People who are moving toward something are constantly trying to make progress. They have various priorities that are important to them and they try to keep on top of these priorities, no matter what the cost. In addition, they typically go into situations without caring so much about what can go wrong. They are often perceived as fearless. When things are not working out very well, these people do not usually pay as much attention to what is not working as to what is working. They are the sorts of people who are
These sorts of people may have been “burned” or had bad experiences, but they have not given up. Instead, they are constantly pushing forward. Moving forward is often a state of mind, a perception, more than anything.
In my career as a legal recruiter, I learned to recognize that there are also generally two types of attorneys: those who are continually moving forward and those who are moving away from things.
When most attorneys get out of law school, they are ready to take on the world, and they typically want to go to work for the largest, most prestigious and “hardest charging” law firms. They want to make the most money and have the most prestige. At this point, the young attorneys are definitely in moving forward mode.
After a few years inside of law firms, a good proportion of attorneys get into moving away from mode. One of the most persistent things about most attorneys who start in large law firms is that they tend not to like working in large law firms after they have had considerable experience doing so. The reason is that law firms require attorneys to bill time and be accountable for each hour of their day. The larger the law firm is, the more the attorney is typically expected to work. There are all sorts of political pressures inside law firms, and multiple levels of supervision, and many other unpleasant things that attorneys simply do not want to deal with. For this reason, a good portion of attorneys out there are seeking to work, instead, inside corporations or at other jobs with different demands, which the attorneys perceive as less stressful. In fact, most attorneys who start out in large law firms spend the rest of their careers doing their best to move away from large law firm jobs.
I know this because for a good portion of my career I was counseling and speaking with attorneys about these things on a daily basis. Less pressure, fewer hours, more flexibility, and so forth are the sorts of words the attorneys would use to describe what they were looking for. I have heard this so frequently from attorneys, I can hardly believe it. These are the moving away from sorts of attorneys.
What is a moving away from person? Someone who is constantly moving away from something is typically motivated to avoid certain people and situations. He or she will avoid negative situations and will always do his or her best to steer clear of certain situations. These are the sorts of people who
I am sure that you know many people who are moving away from sorts of people, because these people are everywhere and they are just as common as the moving towards sorts of people. Moving away from people tend to be more interested in jobs that are “steady,” wherein they can avoid conflict. In contrast, moving toward people are more likely to be interested in a job with good pay, wherein they can continually find excitement and grow. The moving away from people tend to be more concerned about what sorts of hassles, conflicts, and so forth the job will enable them to avoid.
It is important for your career for you to understand whether you are a moving toward sort of person or a moving away from sort of person. The key to reaching your full potential is to put yourself in a situation in which you are the most comfortable. For example, you might not be interested in high-level achievement, advancement, and so forth, and are therefore going to be more comfortable in a moving away from sort of job than a moving toward sort of job. Most people realize they have a strong preference one way or the other, once they think about it.
There is nothing wrong with being one of these types of people or the other. Both are needed in the work world, and you can be happy being either. The danger occurs, though, if you become a moving away from sort of person for the wrong reasons. If you had a bad experience at some point in your life (like I did with the soup being poured over my head) you should not allow this to make you a moving away from sort of person. You should first overcome whatever fears, insecurities, and ill feelings that were instilled in you, and then decide if you want to be a moving away from sort of person.
Do not become a moving away from sort of person in response to bad things that happen to you. Push through and address whatever these bad things are, and then, only then, you should decide whether or not you want to become a moving away from sort of person in the future.
The reason this is so relevant to your career and life is that many people never address and confront the fears and insecurities that have turned them into moving away from sorts of people. They spend their lives hiding in anonymity and in careers wherein they are not reaching their full potential. They exert most of their energy and spend most of their time avoiding all sorts of things out there in the world.
Are you hiding in a job right now?
Are you avoiding a certain type of work due to something that happened to you in the past?
Nothing is more harmful than allowing yourself to be in a career in which you are hiding–especially when you are hiding from something deeper within yourself, which you need to confront. You need to confront everything that comes at you and then decide if you want to be a moving away from or a moving toward sort of person in your job and career. Once you determine this, you can create a path to the life that you desire.
THE LESSON
Avoiding problems, not challenging yourself, and giving up in the face of challenges are all forms of being a loser. Your reaction to any given situation is far more important than the situation itself. Whether you are the type of person who moves towards or away things will ultimately determine your career success; those who move toward things make consistent progress, confronting their fears by facing and dealing with them.
About Harrison Barnes
Harrison Barnes is the Founder of BCG Attorney Search and a successful legal recruiter himself. Harrison is extremely committed to and passionate about the profession of legal placement. His firm BCG Attorney Search has placed thousands of attorneys. BCG Attorney Search works with attorneys to dramatically improve their careers by leaving no stone unturned in a search and bringing out the very best in them. Harrison has placed the leaders of the nation’s top law firms, and countless associates who have gone on to lead the nation’s top law firms. There are very few firms Harrison has not made placements with. Harrison’s writings about attorney careers and placements attract millions of reads each year. He coaches and consults with law firms about how to dramatically improve their recruiting and retention efforts. His company LawCrossing has been ranked on the Inc. 500 twice. For more information, please visit Harrison Barnes’ bio.
About BCG Attorney Search
BCG Attorney Search matches attorneys and law firms with unparalleled expertise and drive that gets results. Known globally for its success in locating and placing attorneys in law firms of all sizes, BCG Attorney Search has placed thousands of attorneys in law firms in thousands of different law firms around the country. Unlike other legal placement firms, BCG Attorney Search brings massive resources of over 150 employees to its placement efforts locating positions and opportunities that its competitors simply cannot. Every legal recruiter at BCG Attorney Search is a former successful attorney who attended a top law school, worked in top law firms and brought massive drive and commitment to their work. BCG Attorney Search legal recruiters take your legal career seriously and understand attorneys. For more information, please visit www.BCGSearch.com.
Filed Under : Featured, Getting Ahead, Life Lessons
Tagged: job search guru | a harrison barnes, moving away, moving towards people
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In this article Harrison explains how you can do better in your career by selling. The most successful people are absolute masters at sales. Selling is among the most important career skills you can have. When you know how to sell something you can do exceptionally well wherever you go. Knowing how to sell something is a key to survival, advancement, fame, and fortune. Everything we do is about making a sale. Selling yourself is about showing others the value you can bring them. So package yourself to the best of your ability, always be at your best and sell yourself. Develop your sales skills and do not be afraid to sell anything. Whatever your goal in life, becoming an effective salesman will help you achieve it.
It is absolutely vital to be in control of your life and career. When you fail to control your life, someone else will step in to do so and fit your life into their plans. Understand that it is in others’ interests to establish control over your life and work, and instead exert control yourself over your life and the events around you.
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In this article Harrison discusses how persistent pursuit of something you believe in, against all obstacles, is one of the most important keys to success. So many of us just decide at some point not to push through and not to keep going even when a little bit of extra effort would push us through. The secret to being incredibly good at everything is pushing through and getting better and better when others around you are quitting. Even while hiring, employers want experts and people who are the best at what they are doing–they do not want dabblers. They want to hire the person who is incredibly committed to a job and has persisted against odds in one direction when others have given up.
In this article Harrison suggests that you actually may be safer getting a job without the help of family or friends. It is exceedingly rare that a friend or family member will ever be able to get you a position. They may not even want to help you get a job for various reasons. Their involvement in your job search may actually hurt you. The organization may actually look upon you negatively if you try to use a friend or family member to get a job. So going through a close contact is often counterproductive to your job search. Even if you get a position through a friend or family member, you could harm your relationship with that person in the process. Your friend or family member’s act of kindness may ultimately unbalance your relationship. The risks involved in this kind of job far outweigh the potential rewards.
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When I was an attorney, I stopped going out to lunch with other attorneys during the day. The reason was not that I was not hungry. Instead, I stopped going out to lunch because just about everyone I worked with would want to dedicate the lunch to a critique—whether it was critiquing our bosses, coworkers, or others. When these people were not being critiqued, the job itself was being critiqued. When the job was not being critiqued, the attorney’s home life was being critiqued.
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Be the person you want to be; if you see yourself naturally going in a certain direction, then you must allow yourself to go that way. Be grateful for every little thing in your life, and you will position yourself to receive more good things. You must hold the correct mindset to achieve a successful life and career; “get your mind right”, look at the world differently, and get away from your established ways of doing things.
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Your skills and abilities merit profound appreciation; you must therefore place yourself in an environment where you will be so appreciated, and not subject to the negative opinions of others. People tend to believe the negative information that they hear about themselves. A work situation where you are unappreciated will tax your two greatest assets, your self-worth and your sanity.
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I am little confused as to how you link juvenille attorney pranks to sophisticated career choices. It sounds like you were just baited in your fraternity to do stupid things instead of taking the high ground. It really seems like you were sort of an outcast in your fraternity and a target for humiliation. If that is true then I am more impressed with the person who just removed himself from a ridiculous set of people and circumstances. That sounds like the person “moved forward” rather than get distracted while you became part of the problem. It also sounds like your frat brothers didn’t like you very much. I thik that I read something like that a long time ago in your blog or on one of your web sites. If you were so disliked by your frat brothers whay did you decide to stay instaed of finding a better crowd. I also wonder what it says about acting out of fear of how people will think about you. Sorry, but what you wrote really doesn’t make a lot of sense.
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i’m still not sure how to get in touch with Mr. Harrison Barnes for him to revise (as necessary) my resume? Is there no direct email?
I’m still not sure whether Mr. Harrison is reachable via an email address so I may forward my resume to him for revisions (if necessary)?
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I think it is sad and disgusting to embrace the notion that being unwilling to associate with a group of people who would accept allowing someone to be urinated on makes you a loser. I think your hold premise is based on a classification system which is far too narrow. And I think your approach of classifying people as losers in any context is a poor way in which to counsel or motivate anyone. Does you being so menacing that you had to be told to stop pranking someone make you a winner? In my opinion your behavior was that of one who could have been classified as a loser.
Use the privilege you have of reaching thousands of people to impart positive motivational words. Stop calling people losers. By implication anyone who does not agree with you gets classified as such and that I do not agree with.
I respectfully disagree. I can see the perspective you had in fighting back, but I think this sort of hazing perpetuates negative and inappropriate behavior that detracts from the college experience and ultimately results in a loss for the university and people involved. I have seen fraternities bond by positive activities instead of the hazing that can lead to such destruction. I would not choose people that treated me that way, displayed such negativity or inappropriate behavior, or who pushed me into destruction. I would seek out and choose people that tried to help me develop my academic potential and participate in healthy activities.
Barnes Jewish Hospital had a research administrator who was territorial and who pushed everyone down in order to build herself up. I saw research coordinators who I knew were competent and who would go the extra mile by being available in off hours suddenly become anxious because the horrible research adminstrator was so negative towards them. I disagree with how they were treated because I think they had some real strengths that were not appreciated. I was able to achieve a lot with research before they hired the horrible research administrator. For the last two years this horrible research administrator has done nothing but try to make my life difficult, steal the value that I brought in, and to push me down. I could have achieved much more if they would have developed the competent research coordinators instead of destroying the relationships I had worked to build. I find the horrible research adminstrator repulsive and unattractive because she created a negative, punative environment. This ultimately resulted in a loss for the hospital of potential revenue because of the turnover and loss of my research progress. When the competent research coordinators were still there I was able to achieve a lot more because there was a positive, cooperative, and motivating environment. I was very dedicated when there was this positive environment, and disappointed when it was changed to a negative one.
Written by a male.
You may be moving long distance because you’re starting a new job, or perhaps there’s been a death in the family, or maybe you’re getting divorced and are moving away to start a fresh new life.